They weren’t engaged. They weren’t living together. And in an effort to save things, they’d started couples counseling to try and fix the icy tension between them.

It was tense.

Jeff had been creating distance. Avoiding her. Lisa was anxious — ruminating on every interaction, replaying every conversation, trying to figure out how to save what they had.

Jeff is a good man. Thoughtful, caring, empathetic. He’d overcome a lot in his life to get where he was.

He’s also an art teacher and freelancer.

And Lisa? She’s a CEO.

She approached life like a corporate environment — optimize, improve, execute.

Quietly, underneath everything, this difference was killing them.

Not because she needed a better man. But because she was so insistent on making Jeff fit her idea of what a man should be.

She came to me after reading my posts on femininity and said something that made me laugh:

“Lauren, help me optimize this. Help me fit feminine energy into my life. I don’t have time to go to yoga... I just need quick ways to get into my heart so I can save my relationship.”

I told her the truth: that’s impossible.

Femininity doesn’t do quick, pressure, force… she needs space, room to breathe, to move, to let inspiration move through her without restriction… she needs to simply, be.

Which was exactly how Jeff lived. And I think deep down, it’s why she chose him.

Free from KPIs. Targets. Performance reviews.

With him, she felt like she could exhale.

He was feminine in a way she didn’t allow herself to be — and yet she simultaneously wanted him to be more of a man.

She wanted to respect him. Feel passionate about him. Feel the spark. Feel her feminine move when she was around him by virtue of the man that he is.

But she didn’t respect him.

Because she made more money. Outperformed him professionally. And increasingly felt like she had to take care of him the way she took care of everyone else.

At first, I didn’t know if Jeff had it in him to be the man for her.

But we started with this first question she needed to ask herself:

Why are you mothering a man who is perfectly capable of surviving without you?

He’s gotten this far in life. Accomplished much. Overcome obstacles. He doesn’t do things your way — but he doesn’t need fixing.

That was an uncomfortable realization. A big aha moment.

She started to breathe deeper.

And then the next wave came.

Fear. Panic. Anxiety. If I drop the ball, what if everything falls apart?

Welcome to the world of the feminine.

Then she asked: “What about some of what he’s doing that just is not okay?”

He’d go silent after fights. That distance felt like stonewalling. Like being iced out.

So I told her to honor that — it’s completely fair.

She said to him:

“This doesn’t work for me. Even when you’re upset, I need communication from my partner in order to feel safe.”

He agreed.

But now another truth emerged — one he’d been protecting her from:

He could never win with her.

Jeff felt like nothing he did was right. Because to her, it wasn’t. She always had a better, more optimized way.

So I gave Lisa an assignment she absolutely hated:

For 30 days, become the Yes Woman.

Say yes to the plans, the invitations, the ideas, the way he wants to do things. Anything he suggests — just say yes. No criticism. No adjustments or tweaks. Just yes.

It made her incredibly anxious.

But within two weeks, something big had shifted.

She started to feel like a woman. Prioritized. Cherished. Protected. Loved. Worshipped. Adored.

And lighter.

“I didn’t realize how much weight I was carrying,” she told me.

The overfunctioning. The managing. The anticipating. The controlling. All the mental gymnastics she was winning gold medals for that he never even saw — replaced now with rest. Calm. Spaciousness.

Jeff started saying: “I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Our relationship feels like what I’ve always wanted it to be.”

Then came the hardest part.

I picked up on something I see often in highly successful women:

A pride and emotionality around their opinions.

When challenged, they take it as a personal attack. They defend, correct, explain. They stop hearing anything the other person is saying. They equate their perspectives with their worth — and if that feels questioned, they feel rejected.

I get it. It’s why we lead with our accomplishments on dates. Why we don’t want to say we’re “just” a stay-at-home mom. We fear irrelevance when our achievements aren’t quantifiable.

But I asked her: Do you want to be the CEO of your relationship?

She said no.

So she needed to look at the cost.

Every time she critiqued his plans, she was telling Jeff there was already a sheriff in town. No need for him. And to a masculine man, that makes them feel small.

Respect is love.

And deep down, she didn’t respect him. She viewed him like an assistant, as less capable but also a crutch she needed for emotional support.

One day when she was upset about something he’d done “wrong,” I asked her:

If you were a man, and your woman thought these things about you — how would you feel?

We think we can hide these perspectives behind a sweet smile and a hug. We can’t.

Men can sense whether we’re open or closed and quietly judging them. She was not giving Jeff room to be his own person with needs, thoughts, opinions and perspectives different to her own.

She was ultimately acting like her own mother — who punished, controlled, and made her feel like she was never enough.

So we started reframing.

From “he’s wrong” to “maybe he has a different way.”

And maybe — ahem — it could even work better than yours.

Not your way. But the job still gets done. Less on your plate. More room to breathe. Maybe those things are more valuable than efficiency.

This was the last piece. The ego death. The surrender. The humility.

Next time she felt herself becoming defensive, I gave her a script:

“Help me understand.”

“I want to hear you.”

“I hear you’re upset — help me understand where I hurt you.”

She humbled herself before truth and chose to be a student. To receive.

And Jeff’s entire energy shifted. He became protective, loving, caring in a way he never had before. He moved out of withdrawn and into loyal, loving partner.

He started anticipating her needs. Surprising her with things that would make her smile.

And she saw it — this whole time, it had been about her. Him trying to help her. Be there for her. Take things from her plate so she could rest in that feminine place she’d been craving.

She’d just been too armored to let him.

Her ex-husband had left her with nothing. Betrayed her. Gone on to build the life with someone else — the life she’d wanted but never got from him.

So she built a fortress around her heart.

I don’t need you.

A giant middle finger to the man who broke her.

But we can’t have it both ways.

The soft place to land. The feeling of being safe, loved, protected — it only comes when we put the walls down. Let the man in. Take that risk.

And emerge on the other side loved for who we are. Not what we give.

They’re on track to get married now and I couldn’t be more excited for them.

Her work wasn’t about finding a better man.

It was about becoming a woman who could finally receive one.

If this resonated, you know someone who needs to read it.

Not easy to please — easy to win.

I gave everything before anything was earned and then spent years wondering why men stopped trying.

Here’s what I learned.

We all know the story…

Everything was going great… and then things seemed to stall.

He didn’t ghost.
He didn’t end it.
But the fire was gone and you could feel it.

Now you’re wondering:
Is this worth reviving?
Or is he just wasting your time?

If we don’t know the difference, we either:

• abandon a good man we could’ve built something beautiful with,
  or

• spend years trying to earn love from a man who was never capable of giving it.

Here’s how to tell the difference — and what to do about it.

Read more

Truth of the week: “What a privilege, to get to be a woman. To hunger, to feel, to desire, to trigger, to arouse chaos, to be that which both creates and destabilizes worlds within worlds within worlds. To want with a hunger and a thirst so voracious, the entire Universe could be created from it…”

—

Here’s what is currently inspiring me: even though the world tries its very best to teach a woman she’s a commodity, something for sale, her ‘value’ a number - a sum of age and weight and body measurements, along with what she can buy to put on her skin or wear on her body that the eternal force within her can never die, only lie dormant... like Sleeping Beauty at rest in the wood, it’s just a matter of time until that feminine force - so magnetic, fiery, instinctive and pure will eventually burst through, that wellspring of life that breaks through every wall that confines it, back into her true form.

What I’m into:

To listen to: this podcast episode on Modern Wisdom — Freya India kills it, I want to read her book.

To watch: The Last Kingdom — which is actually less like watching and more like falling asleep and later asking my husband to narrate the entire plot back to me because I like hearing him call them by their full names — “Ragnar Son of Ragnar.. born of Uttred, son of Ubba” 😂 I love men, they are so great.

To play: Rein me in — Olivia Dean is a goddess:

To read: Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son’s First Year — book by Anne Lamott is such an honest, hilarious take on motherhood and the newborn trenches

To cook: overnight oats — this, to me, is femininity if you could bottle it up and eat it:

• 1/2 cup oats

• 1/2 cup almond milk

• 1/2 cup water

• Handful of mangos or strawberries

• 1 heaping tb cacao powder

• 1 scoop protein powder

stir and leave for 2+ hours in the fridge (or overnight)

Femininity advice:

My husband said something yesterday:

Isn’t that womanhood summed up? I thrive in the chaos of motherhood. Mothering my child, my dog, myself, our home, my clients… I remember all the times in early adulthood that I was told my chaos would make me unworthy, unlovable, that I had to confine it, conform to the idea of a tidy, predictable woman… that’s what it means to be a wife, but how can we conform to a box when we contain multitudes? Even in a single day we pass through all four seasons… maybe I’m crazy but to me, the chaotic, bouncy, moving feminine is God expressing itself in motion. It’s what brings a house to life, stokes the fire and settles the soul. Give me mess. Give me laughter. Give me loud, wild and chaotic any day of the week. I’ve tried it the other way and it kills me inside every time.

Woman of the week:

One of my dear clients said this to me… and I relate, reading it back feels like a deep exhale.

It’s a tale as old as time… the lie we were all sold: we’re broken, need to be fixed so we build an alter-ego… a more ‘lovable’ self, with a higher value in the marketplace but the only one who stands to gain is the one who’s selling the lie... the marketplace. Money in someone else’s pocket, and the next solution to a problem you didn’t even know you had, to put money in someone else’s pocket... it makes sense really — we were made to love and be loved, and someone figured out how to sell it, but the joke is on them.

The madonna, the whore, the mother, the maiden, the crone

… they all exist within me. The sweet and loving, the fiery, the mean, the stubborn, the manipulative live alongside the loving and kind. When we stop dividing our good from our bad we get off the hamster’s wheel and live. We stop reaching for perfect, and we find peace.

Ritual to implement: Who is the messy/too much/too big/too bratty/too nerdy/stubborn/too needy girl who you left at the wayside miles ago?

How can you can choose to reclaim her?

You need her. Your future husband needs her. Your feeling of ‘I am home’, I am complete, I am exactly where I need to be, your life needs her.

She laughs in the face of self optimization. She knows the way. Her hand is stretched out towards you, will you reach for her?

Personal insight of the week: When a woman is always tracking her man’s whereabouts, looking for danger, underneath the hypervigilence is a little girl who learned that love wouldn’t stay, it had to be tracked, predicted, fiercely guarded and protected. If it becomes a science then maybe we can get it to stay? But beautiful girl, love never leaves you. It’s a shame it was ever any other way.

Moodboard:

Wishlist: This adorable sleep set

Reordering this week: Sulwhasoo Gentle Cleansing Oil is like a warm hug

Unforgettable books with mothers that give me life:

Have a beautiful week, goddesses — take up all the space you deserve.

Love, Lauren

house of her

Heartbreak that cuts like a knife… if you’ve been here, you’ll know. It’s the type of love that feels deep, immediate, fated from the start.

He feels it, you feel it… it’s like you can read each other’s minds. You think you’ll be together forever but then life just… happens. It starts slipping through your fingers and just as quickly as it came, it’s now… gone. Maybe he’s with someone else now. Maybe it just “wasn’t the right time.” All you know is, you’re left with a him-sized hole in your heart and a ton of “what ifs.”

But what if he was never your guy? What if his purpose in your life was to reveal the places where you still can’t hold yourself? A connection like this doesn’t just happen. It reveals exactly where we’ve been hiding, afraid of loving ourselves and stepping up to the plate. The roots stem from childhood, but if you’re willing to face the truth and take a look, it can be the greatest door and gift to your future… to your soulmate. I see many love stories like this turn out in the end, and other times, she sees that all it was were echoes from the past — an invitation to step into a love much deeper, wider, fuller and more alive… a future that’s bigger than what could have been, and anything she could have conceptualized before. It’s a call to live.

But why do we fall into this scenario? A love that’s perfect but not yet?

Here are my theories.

Read more

🦋 Want to learn your relationship archetype? Take the quiz here

🦋 Curious about private coaching? Book a call with me here

🦋 Join my private FB group here > I go live every Thursday @ 12 pm EST (replays stay up!)

Honey you are lost.

You’ve been stuck in survival mode working away for so long you’ve forgotten how to be a woman.

You can’t outsource your femininity to yoga, or Botox, or your personal trainer.

The men you attach to— although sweet and fun— aren’t men at all.

They’re mirrors for the inner child you’ve had to abandon to be strong in this world. To be competent and free.

The walls you’ve built to protect your heart tell good men you don’t need them.

If you feel some shame right now that’s ok. But there’s really no need to.

You’ve done a great job. You did it. You’re here.

This is everything you’ve worked for.

A life of your own. A city of your own. A home of your own.

You’re a woman now. But that shame is keeping you a child.

Keeping you stuck. Stagnant. Afraid of hard truths because you see them as signs of wasted time. Of lost potential. Of what could have been. But it’s the opposite.

The woman you’re becoming is only possible because of the choices you’ve made.

Deep down in your spirit you knew.

She wasn’t safe in that environment. Your husband wasn’t there. You had to leave. Walk out the door, forge a new path…

But now, you’re not sure how to get back to the easy way it was but honey that’s the easy part! You have done all the hard work.

Lightness and joy and connection and closeness? That’s the easy part. Intimacy is the easy part. You were literally made for it.

It feels sticky because love has meant abuse. Loss of control. Starvation.  Neglect. Pain. Suffering. Loneliness. Empties.

But that’s what you fought so hard to leave behind.

You’re safe now. Trust in life again. It’s time to live.

We feel heartbreak, grief, self-ridiculing that puts a high school bully to shame…

An inner voice says:

But as a woman you were made to connect. Go deep. Surrender. Transform.

And when we’re connecting with a new man who is charming, articulate, thoughtful… we think “this could be the one.”

We start to drop our walls. But almost as quickly, fear starts to set in.

The voice of worry says:

And we reach for advice and hear every coach on the internet say:

Set boundaries.

He won’t respect you otherwise.

He’ll take advantage.

So we draw a hard line… something like:

• “I need consistency from the men I date.”

• “I don’t invest this much energy in someone I haven’t met.”

• “I’d prefer to talk about these things in person.”

We believe that’s what self-respect looks like. But to him, it’s abrupt. Like a slap.

What’s actually happening?

You have given more than you were comfortable giving and now you’re asking him to fix it.

I want to be clear:

A man who is truly husband material will not lead you on.

But that’s the thing:

We trust hard lines more than we trust ourselves.

It’s not embodied… and men feel it.

It’s like reaching for training wheels to ride a bike.

There’s nothing wrong with using them, but over time you learn to become one with the bike, almost as if it’s an extension of your own physical body. The point is you learn to trust yourself.

Our boundaries are communicated to us via our emotions

For example —

• When you feel anxiety waiting for his reply

• When you feel exhausted after a long date

• When you feel dread about replying to him

• When you’re nervous, constantly checking your phone

These are all boundaries your body is telling you that you have.

You have a choice to override them and make it his problem to fix — or just listen.

• Anxiety? It’s telling you you’re chasing him... or you just like him and love is scary!

• Exhaustion? It’s saying you are giving more than you’re receiving.

• Dread? It’s telling you that you might be performing.

• Nerves? They’re communicating you’re opening up. You also might be in scarcity and need to open up to more - rest, men, happy plans.

This is not something we are taught. It’s not something I expect women to just “get.”

That’s why I teach a vetting funnel in my work.

It’s a framework to follow — to avoid feeling depleted, resentful, and exhausted by dating.

It’s the training wheels — while you learn to trust yourself.

Here’s the framework I teach.

As you will see, boundaries happen only once you have established a foundation.

Up until that point you’re not even really vetting — you’re just enjoying keeping your options as open as possible.

Abundance is what protects us from demands.

Keep your finger on the top of your funnel — adding new leads — as your main job.

It’s your bread and butter.

It protects you from dry seasons, from heartbreak, from lost time.

That’s the disconnect that keeps women exhausted:

Most women are giving relationship-level access to entry-level men.

And then setting “boundaries” — really demands — to manage the mess that creates.

But you don’t have to do that. Let the best man prove himself.

You don’t need to build-a-husband — your job is to shop.

Boundaries won’t protect you from heartbreak, unfortunately falling in love is scary... but trusting yourself will strengthen you until that anxious voice becomes a whisper.

01 · The Truth This Week

02 · What’s Moving Through Me

The intense burning desire to blame, say “I can’t,” infantilize myself, revert to childish tantrums to get what I want… go cold, punish, cross my arms… all to avoid taking accountability. It’s so easy to see in moments of right mind. But when I’m in it, those emotions course through me and feel so… eternal. I can find millions of sources to validate them. And then once the storm clouds clear and I can laugh at myself and see how crazy it all was. Learning to duct tape my mouth during those times… still learning.

03 · What I’m In

Podcast: Dr. Laura — this episode where she identifies the source of a caller’s chronic lateness as her will asserting itself… you hear how the woman felt steamrolled in childhood, her boundaries overridden constantly, so now her lateness is a way to assert control over a world that gave her none. I love Dr. Laura.

Book: 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson:

“You can only find out what you actually believe, rather than what you think you believe, by watching how you act.” Been sitting with this all week.

Article: The truth about most men: inside every good man is a burning desire to be useful. — I never learned this more sweetly than parenting a baby boy.

Song: Everything Olivia Dean. We are in a full Olivia Dean moment in this house. Her Brits performance — if you haven’t watched it, go now.

04 · Woman of the Week

She was a tomboy — owns a business, races cars, never owned a dress. Strong, capable, independent. But to the men she wanted, she was just “one of the guys.” She’d watch them court and pursue other women and ask herself: why not me? What she thought was vulnerability was trauma dumping. What she thought was love was men tolerating her pain for sex. She’d denied her own needs so long she’d forgotten she had them. When she stopped — stopped accepting the bare minimum, stopped doing it all, stopped waiting for permission to rest — her femininity showed up on its own. The girlishness. The whimsy. She wears dresses now, takes naps, still races cars. Her King bought a property because he saw her smile when they walked through it. He bought it for that smile. She didn’t just find a better man. She decided she was enough to be loved exactly as she is — and he put a ring on it.

05 · The Archetype Moment

The parasitic man and the empath. He takes and takes, rides the coattails of a woman giving everything to keep things afloat. She provides, she works, he complains and “tries.” It’s never enough. She heals when she realises she was outsourcing something essential to him — her need to feel known, accepted, understood by a parent — and forgiving him everything else because she needs that nourishment so desperately. The moment she realises she can nurture herself, she becomes a match for a man who gives her the world.

06 · Something Beautiful

07 · The Ritual

When you notice yourself buzzing with life and you want to reach towards someone who tends to make you feel depleted, empty, sad… stop, breathe and say out loud:

08 · Ask Yourself This

09 · The Open Door

If any of this landed — this quiz will hopefully illuminate exactly which pattern is driving your love life. It takes five minutes and it will name something you’ve felt but never had the words for:

Take The Quiz

Or if you’re already past the quiz and you know it’s time to go deeper — DM me the word SUNDAY.

Have a beautiful week. Tend to yourself like the garden you are.

Lauren, House of Her

Everywhere you look online, you’ll find advice on dating… feminine energy, how to talk to men, which men to avoid…

Recently, it seems like dating apps are taking the hit.

In previous years, the blame has gone to men.

The percentage of husbands who are the sole provider for their family has drastically gone down. The economy is often to blame for that.

But what no one wants to talk about is:

You don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.

There are plenty of thriving marriages I see every da y where the husband is the sole provider, the wife feels happy, safe, adored…. he’s thriving, too.

The problem, in my opinion, isn’t any of the above… it’s that you can’t attract your future husband from the current version of you.

An identity shift needs to happen.

Here’s an example…

1 — A successful woman built her career on hard work and sacrifice.

She pressed pause on enjoying, really living her life.

Deep down, she believes that success means boring, hard work.

Fun and enjoyment of life is squeezed in — on weekends, vacations — in excess.

Then she wonders why the men she attract are either boring, or a hot mess.

She’s attracting men that mirror that inner split.

Men who reflect back to her what she has decided life is.

They are either the free spirit who gives her enjoyment — excess, fun, chemistry but no stability.

Or fall under the “successful” category — a man her parents would like, stable financially but bores her to tears.

Guess which one she marries? And which one she has an affair with later?

It’s not that she’s a cheater — it’s just identity.

Until she gets it into her bones and spirit that she doesn’t need to choose between safety and life — her desires will be split into two buckets and reflected back to her in men.

She will forever be a little girl trapped in her parents home, seeking excess on the weekends to fill the void.

Here’s another way it shows up:

2 — A woman has been single for decades and craves connection more than anything.

No matter who reaches out to her — texts her, plans a date… she’s in — hook, line and sinker.

The guy could be a 3 time convicted felon with 5 ex wives and a gambling problem and she’s waiting on his reply.

She sacrifices her long-term vision of what she wants in a husband for the quick relief of “this is nice for now.”

Validation from men, texting, communication, companionship… all soothes the loneliness, but keeps her fed on toxic crumbs.

Divine Union evades her and she wonders, “where did all the good men go?”

She attracts men who love bomb her — they come on strong, then disappear.

And every time they ghost, every time things end, she feels more and more disheartened…

She starts to believe that there’s something wrong with her…

But there’s nothing wrong with her.

She’s just been fishing in a pond of trout, and looking for a shark.

She needs to leave the trout pond and go to the ocean.

But she doesn’t see that she can have the immediate connection she wants AND a man that’s safe, steady and in it for the long haul with her (she absolutely can).

Love will not ask you to abandon yourself.

Marriage will not cost your soul.

It will amplify it, grow it, foster it, nurture it…

A lot of women are looking at engagement rings as the ultimate pay off but that’s so wrong.

The ultimate pay off is happiness.
A man you cant wait to come home to.
A best friend for life.

I often ask clients why they are so ready to sign on the dotted line to choose the man they will be spending the rest of their lives with.

Countless hours, dinner, time…

The illusion is that we can sign now, change him later.

But that is a prison sentence.

Leaning back, or tactics or dating rules can lead us to bad places unless we understand:

Your husband — the man God has for you — who makes your life easier, fun, full of life, who takes burdens off your shoulders, makes you wonderfully happy and feel loved, chosen, protected, respected and cherished every day, who leads your family, fathers your children in ways you are proud of and shows them what a man can be…

This man is ONLY a match for the woman who knows who she is, what she needs, and what she brings to the table.

What are we saying to the Universe when we settle for love bombing and crumbs?

That “we’ll take what we can get.”

The man God has for you will not enable the bad behaviors that keep you stuck in a prison of your own making.

Unless you courageously choose to go for the gold and nothing less will work for you,
You’ll stay stuck in despair and painful endings.

Every time we accept bread crumbs as sustenance for now we declare to the Universe/God that it’s all we want.

Our plate is full, we don’t want any more.

One more way it shows up:

A woman believes that success and financial stability only come from abandoning her feminine energy —

So she hits her targets each month but pays the price in energetic depletion.

She’s exhausted.

She’s resentful, angry at men for not shouldering the burden, for not jumping over the fences she’s erected around herself to ensure her survival…

Guess what men she attracts?

Men that make her do all the labor.

Men who cannot provide.

Who are drawn to her as a mother, and he is the dependent child.

He becomes another mouth to feed.

Maybe he gives her the care and comfort she so desperately needs in her life —

But the relationship is built on a lie:

That she can’t comfort, soothe and nurture herself.

That she needs him for that.

To use my client Cindy’s testimonial —

“We continue to get closer every day and are merging our worlds together. But I know I don’t have to worry about the details or where we are ‘going’ because he’s got it. I am truly blessed.”

Cindy’s problem wasn’t that she couldn’t get men to commit to her.

It’s that she was looking to men for the wrong thing:

She wanted a mother, not a husband.

Her inner child was running the show — hungry for the maternal nourishment, attunement, and care she didn’t get.

And then she wondered why these men were so feminine and needed her to lead so much?

Most of us have a mother wound.

A lacking foundation that should have been built in early life.

And we are searching for men to build that for us but they can’t.

Only we can do that.

But when we do, we emerge a different woman. A new woman.

No longer a girl.

That’s when life begins.

And that’s where the man who’s been waiting for us is, too.

Until then, we only attract men that are what we are —

Men wanting a mother.

If you’re ready to do the same — you know where to find me:

https://withlaurencampbell.youcanbook.me/

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.”

— Terence McKenna

Inspiration of the week: The peace that sets in once you no stop lying to yourself and others. Once the version of you that exists in your heart is the version of you others see. As you strive to no longer manipulate, seduce or charm to get your way but start living honorably, with courage — even if it means risking perceived loss. The protection, peace, stillness you find on the other side of that courageous leap is heaven on earth.

I’ve been reading Jordan Peterson and he cites philosopher Søren Kierkegaard.

Kierkegaard described three stages of existence:

1. The Aesthetic Stage — living for pleasure, sensation, and distraction. You avoid meaning by chasing novelty. This looks like fun but leads to despair underneath.

2. The Ethical Stage — living by duty, social rules, and moral codes. More stable, but still potentially hollow if you’re just performing goodness rather than choosing it.

3. The Religious Stage — making a leap of faith into a deeply personal, committed relationship with truth (or God). This is the authentic life — chosen, not inherited.

To liken this to dating we can see these stages play out:

1. The Attention Stage — dating for validation, sensation and distraction. Avoid the real thing by chasing novelty. This looks seductive (the grass is always greener on the other side, there’s always another man) but leads to despair underneath.

2. The Ethical Stage — living by ‘rules”, dating coach prescriptions, femininity codes. More stable, but not embodied and so potentially hollow if you’re just performing femininity rather than choosing it.

3. The Embodied Stage — making a leap of faith into a deeply personal, committed relationship with truth (or God). Choosing to be alone forever if it means compromising on your deepest needs. This is where divine union comes in — chosen, not inherited.

Reading: 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson

Watching: Love Story: John F. Kennedy Jr. & Carolyn Bessette on Hulu

Listening to: Nature by Ram Dass and East Forest

Eating: Lots and lots of fruit — mango, melon, pineapple, apples, bananas…

Art: dgd

Femininity Tips:

1. Beauty uplifts the spirit and recharges our soul
   
   Take time to prioritize beauty with no agenda. Beautiful spaces, environments, textures, scents, and self care practices just because.

2. Prioritize rest
   
   Ancient Chinese medicine prescriptions for for balancing and strengthening Yin (feminine) energy — getting to bed early, sleeping by 11 pm, drinking calming tea, taking baths, walking in nature rather than overextending and pushing the body strenuously, working with your moon cycle and being aware of your limits
   

3. Self care in a non functional way
   
   My husband got me a spa day… and my first instinct was to get a haircut, a wax etc… but I realized something: I’m far more comfortable receiving when it serves a function or purpose. A facial or massage? Feels too indulgent. He had to remind me. I got a facial and left feeling amazing… also shoutout to Stalle Studios in NYC I saw Sofia she is an angel.

Dating & Marriage Tips:

1. Do less
   

   There is no problem that can’t be helped by a woman doing less. Our instinct is to over-communicate when we feel a disconnect but men actually solve problems with silence and space. The best way to see a man step up for you is to redirect that focus off of him and onto filling your cup.
   

2. When we are hungry, we devour
   
   It’s a natural impulse to chase a man’s affection and attention when we feel depleted… but it doesn’t nourish us, it actually leaves us feeling more empty and sad. We were not made to run on empty, and most of us have been feeding off fruits that poison us in the long term. Find fruits that genuinely nurture you instead, and you won’t go empty.
   

3. Be comfortable with a full cup
   

   Especially if a little girl felt she needed to track everyone else’s moods and take care of them (at the expense of herself) it can be difficult to feel okay with a full cup. We feel good — and instinctively want to go pour out that cup for someone else… typically a man or person that is a “taker” and leaves us depleted. Try breaking this habit and growing more comfortable existing with a full cup.

Wardrobe Inspiration:

Til next time!

xoxo,

Lauren

Over the last 10 years as a relationship coach, I’ve seen it all. But recently, with the relaunch of my quiz “What’s Your Relationship Archetype?”, I’ve started noticing something new.

We’re often told that if we’re not having success in love, it’s because we’re not:

• Feminine enough

• Pretty enough

• Desirable enough

And while those things shape relationship dynamics, I think the link to “what men want” has been seriously confused.

Women hear “be more feminine” or “more attractive” and start using these skills on men who were never interested in being husbands to begin with.

It doesn’t matter how many times you try to climb Mount Everest — if you don’t leave Alabama, you won’t get very far.

A lot of us have been trying to wrangle sheep that weren’t meant to be wrangled.

Have you ever felt deeply confused, alone, or empty? Felt like marriage, money, career success, or stability would magically fix it — only to find that it doesn’t? The loneliness follows like a bad odor that won’t go away.

A man’s entire manhood is built on clarity, meaning, purpose, and direction. Without it, he can’t lead. He can’t be a good husband — or even a good boyfriend. He is like a boat, unmoored, tossed about by the waves.

Some men are still fighting that battle. Looking for rescue. Chasing the next best thing. Empty. Seeking warmth like a cold body by a fire.

They get their nourishment from outside themselves — which is why they get hooked on cheap dopamine: porn, infidelity, social media, gambling, debt, addiction. The promise of a big “win” that makes them a victor without having to work for it.

Men will go to the ends of the earth to establish themselves as “big.” New York City is the perfect metaphor: towering skyscrapers built to show his bigness. But one man isn’t bigger than another because of money, influence, or power.

He is bigger once he’s won the battle inside. His presence carries weight.

My friend said early on in dating my husband that “he would always be the biggest energy in any room.” He’s not loud or overtly social — but his presence hits you. He carries himself like a victor. Like he already knows he’s won. He doesn’t need the world to prove it. He has the energy of an apex predator (I know, I know — I’m such a fangirl for him).

But the truth is: if a man is still lost in battle with himself, no amount of femininity will solve it for him.

You playing into that only prolongs his suffering — and causes you to give up more and more of yourself in the process.

At his core, this man is a taker. He has built his survival on using others. There is no love in it. It’s dog eat dog.

That’s why the way out is to create a set of standards you actually live by. Timelines, guidelines, rules you stick to — even when your emotions tell you otherwise.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world… Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”

A man lost to himself is choosing to be. His repeated choices for the easy road have led him here.

You were not put on this earth to be the scapegoat for those choices. It is not your job to sponge his pain. It’s not your job to patch a boat he keeps poking holes in.

Staying only leads to:

• It’s never enough — no matter how much you give

• He needs more and more until you’re tending to his basic needs

• You losing yourself and your energy for your own life

• A deepening sense of unworthiness

• You become superwoman, he devolves into couch potato

• No matter what you do, you keep losing ground

He will show up with:

• Inconsistency — some things are fine, others suddenly aren’t

• Moodiness — stonewalling, withdrawing affection, going cold to punish you

• Empty threats — there’s always another woman who’d “be happy to have him” (there isn’t)

• Words designed to make you doubt yourself

• Aggression in place of real leadership

He’s a vacuum. Sucking in every resource he can and calling it love. It’s not love. It’s survival.

The win is when you:

• Disconnect from the role you’ve been playing

• Stop providing for him, no exceptions

• Take back your life and make it unacceptable to overgive for a man

Then one of two things happens: he runs a propaganda tour about how badly you wronged him (anyone paying attention will see through it fast), or he has a face-to-face with reality and — God willing — lets himself fall apart and builds a man back up from the pieces.

It’s not your job to choose which.

It’s not your job to help him see.

Your job is to stop. Stop overfunctioning. Stop giving past your limits. Reprioritize yourself.

No man will improve because you are more perfect, if he’s not ready to face himself.

This is why the uninitiated man is so dangerous. He can present like a king, like husband material — but you soon find it’s all words, empty promises, bells and whistles to lure in his next victim.

Just say no.

I was devouring YouTube videos about feminine energy, reading Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés.

My world broke open.

I felt free.

But the deeper I went, the further I got from… myself.

It was no one’s fault.

I had internalized a “better version of me” was something less… me.

Something more palatable.

As if I could emulate someone else’s femininity perfectly, all my flaws would be gone.

I didn’t want to integrate my shame. My deep-seated fears. My self hatred.

I wanted to wrap it all up in a nice bow, with the right formula, packaged perfectly, to be chosen.

But it caused a split… a river flowing two directions.

One side loving, warm, feminine, confident, kind.

Another side dark, possessive, jealous, bitchy, deeply insecure.

When I felt fear, I’d lash out, get mean, go cold…

When I felt loved, I’d pour out my heart with warmth, nurturance, kindness.

But how do you integrate such opposites?

Welcome to the feminine.

Imagine you discover your house has mold.

It’s everywhere.. in the carpets, walls, floorboards.

That’s what shame will do when it’s left unchecked for years.

Shame was everything, buried deep.

The entire foundations needed to be lifted up, fumigated and replaced.

The healing came from returning to childhood.

The child part of me… who I had formerly judged, ridiculed, shamed.

Called “too emotional” or “weird”, laughed at. Rolled my eyes at.

The truth was, I was happy alone. I wanted to read, play with imaginary friends, romp around nature, be outside.

I was perceptive, intuitive, confused by lots of societal norms.

I didn’t understand what to do with my body as I grew up… my womanhood, so I wore baggy clothes. Shopped in the Boys section of Gap. Slicked my hair back. Became the class clown.

… It did the job of preserving that inner, wild self. Kept her safe from rejection.

But it also reinforced: The world doesn’t want the real you, and never will.

Keep her hidden.

The wild feminine.

She can only mature when she is given room in the world.

That little girl — foraging for berries, collecting leaves, ducking under the branches of a tree pretending it was a portal to another dimension…

There was no room for her on dating apps, with men. I didn’t give her any room.

Quiet was replaced by “sultry”.

Funny was replaced with “playful”.

Truth was replaced with “standards” or “saying the right thing”.

Men could sense it a mile away.

My inner wildness was zipped tighter and tighter into a straightjacket.

But the wild feminine — the wolf — was always right there, a breath away.

If a man misstepped? I’d cut him down. Flee the scene. Block the number.

I was quick to avoid pain, shame, anything that might risk being truly seen… and rejected.

Anything to avoid facing the loneliness I felt deep down.

If I could live alone at least I could live protected, unchallenged, secure in my own self-image.

In all my years as an Avoidant, I never knew this:

No one can do the work of helping you make peace with yourself. With who you are.

Only you can do that.

Only you can make yourself whole again.

Until then, we’re shapeshifters… downplaying parts and upping others like tuning a violin.

Feminine energy becomes another mask on a long list of roles we play.

And we wonder why we feel so alone.

Like a house overrun by mold, the foundations need to be lifted up, disposed of, replaced.

Reset.

Where there was once shame and self-hatred, we need to make peace — first and foremost, with ourselves.

It means forfeiting the right to self-flagellate, punish, starve, restrict, push until we’re empty and then push again.

It means surrendering the idea that by poking and prodding we can become something more palatable, more deserving of love.

Our bodies have become battle grounds.

Sites of devastation, pain, betrayal, emptiness, hunger, longing.

Until something deep inside us finally says:

Rest.

My husband said recently, “I love how wild you are” and I’ve never felt so seen.

Feminine energy is NOT just:

• Saying what feels good

• Affirming your man

• The way you talk

• The way you dress

• The way you look

It’s also:

• Your strength, the righteous anger rising up to say “No”

• Your chaotic, unhinged mess as you buzz around the house watering plants, cooking breakfast and chatting on the phone all at the same time

• Rotting in bed when you’ve just had enough

• Feeling awkward in your body

• The awkwardness of a first date

• Breaking down in tears randomly sometimes

• How you’re always exactly 10 minutes late to anything

• Your hair in a wild mess

• Pigging out on food, so hungry you just eat in silence with your hands

• Feeling completely incapable of adulting sometimes

• Returning to childlikeness when you feel safe

• Saying the wrong thing, making mistakes, hurting people and making repair

At first, you’ll feel shame… making room for “all of you”

I felt a lot of it.

Parts of you will feel like “too much,” you’ll hurt people by accident and sometimes on purpose… you’ll be rejected, shamed, let go of more times than you can count.

But you will also find your footing, yourself.

The point is to stay with it anyway. Express. Teach the bully in your head that it’s safe to stop protecting.

That it’s more important to be free, to be whole, and to be loved for who we are… because it is only then that we can love others wholly, truly and in big ways too.

For as long as we can remember, women have been sold a very specific idea of what it means to be “beautiful”… or “womanly.”

A look. An aesthetic. A way of being.

You either fit it… or you don’t.

And collectively, we spend millions of dollars every year trying to keep up with it.

The clothes.

The trends.

The nails.

The “right” way to act…

Show interest like this.

Talk like this.

Have sex like this.

It makes me nauseous just thinking about it.

The night I met my husband, I looked insane.

I was dressed like an alien.

I had cystic acne barely covered by foundation.

I barely said two words to him.

And yet…

The next morning, he spent hours tracking me down—with nothing but my name, graduating year, and the team I was on in college.

If he wanted to, he would.

But early in dating, he said something that always stuck with me…

That women all try to fit the same mold.

Same look. Same style. Same energy. Same perspectives.

And yes - there’s a “market” for every type of woman.

But that’s exactly the point…

You don’t have to force yourself into someone else’s box.

We are told that beauty comes from spending more money.

More clothes. More skincare. More trends.

While most men won’t even notice whether your nails are done, or your jeans in style…

We’ve been force-fed an image of “hot” from the media, TV, magazines…

But think about this—

If you’re single, picture a married man you’d actually want.

Who is he married to?

Is it a celebrity? A runway model?

…Probably not.

What if the “ideal” we’re shown… isn’t actually what most men are choosing?

Even preferences are wildly different.

I asked my husband who the hottest Disney character was.

I expected something obvious… like the sexy fish from Shark Tale

Or the woman in El Dorado

He said: “the woman with the white hair from Atlantis.”

I was like… what??

And it’s not just looks that men have a “type” and preference for.

But rather than teaching us to own our sparkle, a lot of modern dating advice teaches hyper-independence.

It makes sense. A generation saw the devastation around “needing men” after lots of housewives willingly walked into marriage catastrophe… cheating, financial ruin, abuse…

So the message became:

F*ck what men need. Focus on yourself.

And while, yes… of course.

Also, it left a lot of confusion about what femininity actually is.

Let’s be clear:

Toxic men exist. The point is to have nothing to do with them.

But the average man?

He’s not looking for some robot.

He’s looking for:

• A woman who knows who she is

• Who owns her unique beauty

• Who takes care of herself

• Who is warm, open, and enjoys being around him

That’s it.

Want to know what ranks low on the list of what men care about?

Perfect nails.

Sex noises that wake the neighbors.

Want to know what ranks high?

• A woman who lets him pursue

• A sense of mystery

• Genuine enjoyment of him

So when it comes to “beauty standards”…

We win the game by opting out of it.

That doesn’t mean beauty doesn’t matter, it does.

I believe it’s a public service to be a beautiful woman.

But if being beautiful meant fitting into someone else’s mold, then it’s a game we’ll always lose.

There’s a constriction, a tightness, a suffocation around someone who’s trying to force something they’re not…

And the feminine hates force.

You don’t need to become someone else.

Time and time again, men say they like:

Softness.

Curves.

Femininity that feels natural.

So here’s my advice:

Decide your vibe — and own it.

• Soft, ethereal, feminine? Lean in. Be the fairy princess Queen.

• Edgy, dark, mysterious? Own it.

• Classic, “girl-next-door”? That’s powerful.

• Petite, curvy, playful? God knows you’ll get interest.

Whatever you are—there are millions of men who love exactly that.

Stop trying to fit someone else’s mold.

Stop wasting your money chasing it.

And if you’re single?

Start opening up to the men who already see you as “dream girl”.

Because while some women are busy trying to become “ideal”…

The ones who love themselves and fully embody their natural beauty are getting chosen every day.

Truth of the week: “my life peaks with motherhood. there are women who tear me down when they hear that. but right here, in this morning, making you cupcakes for your birthday party, I hope in every lifetime I get to experience this.”

— from Ever More (author unknown)

Here’s what is currently inspiring me: The way a woman glows when she’s loved well. Her hair thickens and grows long. Her skin softens. Her eyes sparkle. Her face brightens. There’s a luscious, languid, sensual way she moves under his protection. She’s playful, fiery, wild, free.

What I’m into:

To read: The Motherload: Episodes from the Brink of Motherhood by Sarah Hoover — for every mother who has stood at the edge of herself and wondered who she is now.

To watch: Half Man on HBO — what a moving, beautiful piece of art… made me cry, made my heartbreak, can’t wait for more.

To play: Dreams by Fleetwood Mac — on repeat, always, forever. I just learned she wrote this in 10 minutes, mid-breakup with her band mate.

To cook: Lemon orzo — with whatever protein you have. We've made this three times this week. Recipe here.

To learn: Dispelling beauty lies: the truth about feminine beauty — an epic read on unf*cking your brain around beauty ideals, body image and fashion. Send this to every woman you love.

To listen to: The groundwork behind true self care by Dr Laura — the woman who tells the truth even when it stings. Especially when it stings.

Femininity advice:

The only difference between a guarded woman, hidden, in pain, carrying everything and the Butterfly who has flown away is she recognized there was no cage.

She was never stuck. The world never got to define her… only she could do that. By owning her standards and uniqueness, she is unstoppable. Let go of carrying others, you can’t fly that way. 🦋

Woman of the week:

She was about to blow… he’d left for a guy’s trip and had gone quiet for a day and a half. No check-in, no message, nothing… she wanted to say scream, address the silence, set the record straight, let him know it’s not ok. So she said “Hi, how’s the trip?” His response was lukewarm at best… clearly distracted, she got more angry. I said — let’s try something different. Just leave it. Don’t reply. Her anxiety was screaming. Is this teaching him it’s okay to deprioritize me?

Within thirty minutes, he texted again… this time, with a three part plan for how he wanted to take her out, celebrate her, go on a trip together… he was chasing, he knew. He’d screwed up. Sometimes the best move with men is the quietest (it usually is).

Ritual to implement: This week, consider silence as your boundary. If he upsets you, disappoints you, makes you feel insecure… and you want to reach out, clarify, do more… try doing nothing. Let him adjust. A boundary is not a boundary if you’re screaming it.

Personal insight of the week: “Honey you are lost. You’ve been in survival mode so long you’ve forgotten how to be a woman. You can’t outsource your feminine energy to botox, yoga or your personal trainer… the men you attach to, although sweet and fun, aren’t men at all. They’re mirrors for the inner child you had to abandon to be strong in this world, to be competent and free.. you’re a woman now, but that shame is keeping you a child. Those stories are keeping you stuck. But you’ve already done the hard part. The intimacy? Closeness? Connection? Joy? That’s the easy part. You were literally made for it.”

What’s on our wishlist: Saoco Jazz Eau De Parfum by Dos Mundos

Reordering this week: Barrier Restoring Gel Cream by Skin Fix

Home of the week:

Nostalgic for: The feeling of late summertime in Connecticut… the smell of freshly cut grass, the sound of waves crashing, the smell of salty air and seaweed. Heat that was so thick it was like wearing a weighted blanket… when beaches and bonfires and beer were abound and life was outside with no shoes on.

Questions to ask at the dinner table:

• If you were a flower, which would you be?

• What’s one desire you haven’t given yourself permission to want?

• Where have you been refusing to forgive yourself?

Moodboard:

Have a beautiful week. Until next Sunday.

Love, Lauren

house of her

I shared my daily beauty checklist:

Habits for beauty, softness, sensuality and femininity.

This wasn’t a skincare regime or a weight loss guide.

More so the foundation of femininity.

When we are given what we need, we flourish.

Good systems are just that — systems that meet our needs, so we can thrive.

Good systems take away the guesswork, the trial-and-error, the many micro decisions we have to make on a day-to-day basis…

As a relationship teacher for women, I’m often asked: “How do I find my feminine energy?”

The question assumes that femininity is something outside of us.

A vibe or persona we need to go out and hunt down… and trust me, I have tried.

I’ve woken up every morning before dawn for my two hour yoga practice.

I’ve squeezed, pinched and poked every inch of my body.

I’ve fasted, juice cleansed and limited gluten/sugar/dairy more times than I can count.

Been vegan, paleo, keto, protein-focused, tracked every macro and step…

Bought all the fragrances, dresses, skin care items…

I’ve done Orange Theory, Barry’s Bootcamp, hot yoga, lifted weights.

I got certified in Kundalini Yoga, somatic breathwork and femininity coaching.

And have found the following to be true:

• The Feminine does not do well with restriction

• The Feminine does not do well when under scrutiny or judgement

• The Feminine will subtly or not-so subtly buck against every container she is in

• But when she finds a system that works for her and meets her needs, she will thrive

If something feels restrictive, or isn’t meeting our needs we either see our femininity tune out, take a back seat…

Or hover on the sidelines waiting for her moment to strike.

That’s when she comes back hungry, insatiable, frenzied to get hers.

That looks like: dieting for a time but eventually binging on everything — or maintaining little pockets of “freedom” we fight to defend (anything from a man we are crushing on, to a shopping habit, to addictions of all kinds)

Our messiness, our hunger, our wildness, our need to devour… it’s there, it’s real. It’s unavoidable. It’s beautiful, loving and real. Innate to our nature and who we are.

Rather than trying to stomp it out, learn to work with it.

Ask what she needs?

Where does she thrive?

That’s where the daily habits come in.

They are nothing crazy… 30 minutes of movement from home, focusing on nourishment and 3 meals a day, going outside in nature for a walk, and uninterrupted time to create/journal/dream and flow.

It can look like: dancing in the kitchen with my baby, going for a walk, lying on the grass, doing yoga, lifting some weights…

These are my conditions for thriving.

It’s like marriage.

The best husbands for the divine feminine are the ones who love our spirit.

They love our girliness, how focused we are on ourselves, on feeling beautiful…

They are drawn to the nectar of our soul.

They thrive on our pure elation and happiness.

The childlikeness. The naivity. The little -isms we have.

And… they are unmovable.

They don’t bend or break in the face of our emotional storms.

They do not let us control them.

Try as we might to invade their territory, control them, bulldoze them, have it our way.. they see right through it all.

It’s not in their nature to be controlled.

They instinctively know when they are being manipulated and they stop it.

And once we put them through all the various tests that we do to feel safe, eventually we feel safe enough to rest, to be happy, to soften and to love.

We play and dance and create and luxuriate in the garden of our own nature. Our spirit.

The divine feminine blooms.

I’ll always remember a mantra I had years ago after reading Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes:

“Be your own criatura.”

Your own creature. Your own being.

It’s in our nature to destroy. To consume. To test. To hunt for safety.

We want to defy every rule that tries to tell us who to be, we do not want to try and become “her”… and outside ideal that doesn’t fit our inherent nature.

We want to know that we are beautiful, lovable, worthy of infinite adoration.

And that within us there is something very uniquely special…

Be your own criatura, and love a man that loves your criatura.

That is the liftoff point.